Sunday, March 7, 2010

Hookers On Ice

An actual IM conversation on Thursday between The Bitches, B and W.

B has been dating G for three months, and while she continues to see him, she's not entirely convinced if she likes him or not. A perfect summary, as told by B Friday morning: "G was super annoying last night, and I was thinking to myself how much I dislike him. But then he gets all snuggly, and I'm like, dammit, I'm a whore."

B: Okay, so I maaaaay or may not have a date with a boy who is not G tomorrow night.
(Scarlet Letter)
B: No, I feel bad.
W: Don't feel bad. I mean, you guys haven't exactly had the "exclusive" talk right? Regardless of whatever creepy things he says to you.
B: No, but I feel like it's unsaid, and I'm a cheetah.
W: Meh, I say get yours.
B: OMG, I'm a cheating douche bag. :-( :-( EV-IL.
W: I seriously don't think so. Your heart is not with G.
B: It's with him a little bit. I do really like G. I just can't NOT explore.
W: I think you have to do this to know at the very least.
B: ALSO. This new guy wants to go ice-skating (Obviously it's a first date, and he doesn't know I have the energy of a house cat) OUTDOORS. What if there's a run-in cheaters-style? I'm scurrred.
W: Risk it, bitch!
B: Wait. To make it worse I'm staying at G's tonight so I can't even shower before the date, and I'll have my overnight bag WITH ME. Bruuuuuuuts.
W: .....
B: I know. I feel like I should cancel.
W: Hahaha, I kinda love it.
B: Really? You honestly don't think I should cancel. When I'll be all shack-ridden from the night before. I mean, let's be real. It's a little gross.
W: It's a little hilarious.
B: Ugh. I guess that's why the beauty overlords created dry shampoo…and Mexican showers.
W: How often do you stay at G's? And vice versa?
B: Sweet baby Jesus, strawberry cheesecake yogurt is delectable. Sorry, what? Oh, I stay there a couple times a week and usually a weekend night (whore).
W: Hmmm....
B: Yeah. See? We're dating.
W: Eh, I'm never all that committed, so I'm like go for it!
B: Me neither, and clearly I'm not good at it. Nasty hookers x 2.
W: JUST DO IT for fuck's sake.
B: Ugh, will the ice-skate lockers have room for my whorey overnight bag? Probably not. These are the things I think about. OMG, I have visions of like birth control falling out of my bag, and G just showing up and running onto the ice. WHY CAN'T WE JUST GET DRUNK INDOORS?
W: Suck it up and enjoy a new boy.
B: Yeah, I don't know why I'm worried. I'm basically a professional sketchball when it comes to this crap. Ever since I was a youngin.
W: That's the B I know and love.
B: I've been hookin it on the down low since I was 16. Why stop now?
W: Ex-fucking-actly.

Text message follow-up.

Friday, 8:42 pm
B: Been sitting outside waiting in the cold for half an hour. FYL.

Saturday, 10:48 am
W: iiiiiimgonna need a recap asap.

Saturday, 11:42 am
B: Haaa he finally showed up. But I’m sticking with G for now, I think.

Was new boy inordinately lame? Or do we have honest-to-God beating hearts? We'll never tell...

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