Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Online Soulmates: Sociopath Edition

Dear Sweet Lord and Everloving Jesus, we have found the Holy Grail of OkCupid profiles.

Here I was (W), just minding my own business, eating leftover alfredo sauce from a jar, cruising for dick on the internet. Ya know, typical Wednesday evening shit, wondering why I can't get laid... And suddenly, the sad little computer algorithm gods bestowed this gem on me.

Not only is this possibly the greatest thing I've seen online EVER (well, if you don't count Rick Perry deep-throating a corn dog -- t
hat is pure internet gold), but also this man was SUGGESTED TO ME. Like, "Hey you, put down the cream sauce. You're gonna need to see."

Without further ado, we present the man* of our internet dreams.

*photo has been removed in the fear we may get arrested and/or murdered

Profile name


27 / M / Straight / Single

My self-summary

fuck this site
fuck this site
fuck this site
no, seriously, fuck okc.

p.s., ladies, just so you can see how it is on the other side, I will not initiate any contact with anyone under any circumstances. If you actually want to talk, you have to IM me. fuck you.

What I'm doing with my life
being bitter, grumpy, a super-intelligent smartass (trust me on this one).

I'm really good at
sending messages drunkenly to girls late at night that i'm DTF.

being ABYSMALLY DISAPPOINTED with every single goddamn chick I've met on here. no offense. sorry. bored out of my gourd. Had enough of smiling people with nothing to say. (and, actually, believe it or not, i'm an optimist.)

The first things people usually notice about me

i'm tall and awkward

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
Garcia Marquez / Borges / Moby Dick / Jill Ker Conway / Steven Pinker / Harry Potter / Kazuo Ishiguro / Ethan Canin... etc. etc... but you know what, what's the FUCKING POINT? All anyone else on here has read are the same goddamn "adult trend" shitty mass-produced corporate bullshit poorly written shit shows. WTF why should I even waste my time pretending to be on your level.

shows, TV is useless, except for chapelle (canceled), party down (canceled), and a few other sundry things. learn that fucking word, dipshits. so TIRED of people with poor vocabs... and no I'm not judging, but i'm tired of dealing with sad sad ignorance. there i said it.

music, i'm not really into either. lame i know. sorry hipster kids, you're right, i don't know any of your goddamn bands. i like a healthy mix of jazz, grunge, classical, various pop crap, random recs from friends.

food, i'll eat whatever the hell i want. a lot of times it's sushi. stuff white people like, wouldn't you know.

The six things I could never do without

1. the NYT online (i know, right? i wouldn't have guessed that either)
2. my internal memory of every Family Guy episode ever
3. optimism (i know my profile gives absolutely no reason to believe this, but it's true.)
4. family (ditto, see 3)
5. sex. i love boning more than any of you. unfortunately everyone else on here sucks at it.
6. being a douchebag, except for the first few dates when i have to pretend to be nice.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

On a typical Friday night I am

drunk and angry on this site

The most private thing I'm willing to admit

dude, who the fuck cares? you are all retarded and i'm sick of dealing with you.

You should message me if
you don't suck at math (which is NOT cute, it's fucking annoying), you're liberal, you actually care about politics/the world/have something to say, you have read a book other than Nicholas Sparks or some chick lit shit within the last year, you're not a hipster, you actually have a surprisingly positive view of humanity, you are willing to put up with angry dorks like me. emphasizing the dork part pretty heavily.